Turning in My Card
“How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb?”
“I don’t know. How many?”
“You wouldn’t know. You weren’t there.”
In the American military, identity is an enduring obsession. Long before debates swirled through cultural institutions about the value of hyphenated American identities or the relative fixity of gender-based pronouns, the American military had already determined that identity supersedes individuality. Within the ranks, the individual means little, he or she exists as a mere accumulation of various organizational identities — your rank, your unit, your specialty — all of which stand in service to the collective. This obliteration of the individual begins in training, on day one, when every new recruit is taught a first lesson: to refer to themselves in the third person. You cease to exist, you have become “this recruit.” And you are taught, among the many profanities you might hear in recruit training, that there is one set of slurs that is most unforgivable of all: I, me, my.
This doesn’t last forever. I served in the Marines and one of the first privileges the Corps granted me on the completion of training was the privilege to again refer to myself in the first person. Except that I was no longer the same person. I was now 2nd Lieutenant Ackerman, my military identity had eclipsed my civilian one. This new identity placed me firmly within the military hierarchy as a junior officer, and from this position I would over years further build out my identity — and thus my authority — within the organization. I would pass through training courses that would give me expertise. I would go on deployments that would give me experience. And I would gain in seniority, which would give me rank. When in uniform, I would literally wear my identity. Badges of identity, indeed: eventually it became the captain’s bars on my collar, the gold parachute wings and combat diver badges that showed I had passed through those rigorous training courses, as well as the parade of multicolored ribbons that at a glance established where I had served, if I had seen combat, and whether I had acquitted myself with distinction.
All these colorful pieces of metal on my uniform served the purpose of immediately establishing my place within a hierarchy. Which is to say, the military obsession with identity is not really an obsession with identity at all; it is an obsession with status and rank. And so it has become in the cultural hierarchy of America, where identitarians invoke an elaborate taxonomy of hyphenations and pronouns with the zealotry of drill instructors. Ostensibly, this new language is designed to celebrate individual difference. In practice it annihilates the individual, fixing each of us firmly within an identity-based hierarchy that serves collective power structures.
As a combat veteran, I have been the beneficiary of identity-based hierarchies for years. But this was not always the case. In April 2004, I took over my first unit, a forty-man Marine rifle platoon. We were based in Camp Lejeune waiting to deploy to Iraq that June. On a rainy day, when I asked some of my Marines to patrol around the base practicing formations we would soon have to employ in combat, Sergeant Adam Banotai, a super-competent (and at times super-arrogant) twenty-one-year-old squad leader in the platoon told me that he thought my plan was a waste of time. He had been to combat, and I had not. Even though I outranked him, he sat above me in an invisible moral hierarchy in which combat sits as the ne plus ultra of status.
I decided to respond to this minor act of insubordination. I brought Sergeant Banotai into my office and had him sign a counseling sheet in which I marked him deficient in “leadership.” I explained that leadership required loyalty both up and down the chain of command. By flagrantly refusing to follow orders he had been disloyal to me and, thus, a bad leader. When I explained that I would place this counseling sheet in his service record, Sergeant Banotai didn’t like it one bit. As he signed, he said, “What the fuck do you know about leading Marines, sir. I was leading Marines while you were still in college.”
Fair enough; but we still had to go to war together. Only a few weeks after the counseling sheet incident, out on patrol near Fallujah, my Humvee hit an IED. We were driving parallel to a long canal and I was first in the column of vehicles with Sergeant Banotai sitting a few Humvees back. He later told me that from his perspective I simply vanished in a cloud of dust and smoke. As hunks of shrapnel and earth plunked down into the canal, he was certain that pieces of my body were among the debris, and, in a macabre admission, later told me that he imagined having to fish my joints out of the putrid water. What had happened was that two artillery rounds had gone off right next to my door. Fortunately, the rounds had been dug in too deep, so that their blast fountained upward, over my head, leaving me with dust in my throat and ears ringing but little else. I then jumped out of my Humvee. Whoever had detonated the IED fired a few shots at us as I jogged back to Sergeant Banotai. He and I worked together to coordinate our platoon’s response, in which we searched the area and eventually carried on with our patrol.
After that day, everything changed. Our operations ran more smoothly, with no complaints. During off hours, Sergeant Banotai and the other NCOs came by my “hooch” to joke with me. We all got along. Several months — and firefights — later, I asked Sergeant Banotai about that sudden shift in attitude. At first he laughed off my question. When I pressed, he became a bit sheepish, even apologetic. “Well, you got blown up,” he said. “After that we decided that you were okay, that you were one of us.”
To this day his words bring to mind a moment in Oliver Stone’s Platoon, in which Charlie Sheen’s character, the doe-eyed new soldier Chris Taylor, after being wounded in his first firefight, returns to his platoon after a brief stay in a field hospital. An experienced soldier named King takes him to an underground bunker. Here the old hands are having a little party. When one of them asks, “What you doin’ in the underworld, Taylor?” King replies on his behalf, “This here ain’t Taylor. Taylor been shot, this man here is Chris, he been resurrected.” At which point, Chris joins their party, smoking dope and singing along to Smokey Robinson’s “Tracks of My Tears” along with the rest of the platoon. It is an incredibly human scene and — call me sentimental — I am moved every time I watch it, as it traces my own experience of rejection followed by acceptance born out of combat. Chris’s experience in the firefight has resurrected him. In the eyes of the group — the platoon — he isn’t the abstraction “Taylor” anymore; his spilt blood has made him “Chris,” an individual.
For a while, I resented Sergeant Banotai’s response. I was the same person before the IED attack as I was after it, no more or less competent. This need to classify me as “other” because I was not yet a “combat vet” felt capricious, indulgent, condescending, and so against the best interests of the platoon, which needed coherent leadership up and down the chain of command to run smoothly in combat. But of course the metrics of identity are typically arbitrary, and also typically they rarely serve the best interests of the group. Tribal by nature, identity fixates on difference, too often seeking to narrow, as opposed to enlarge, who merits membership in the tribe. Identity is as much, or more, a method of exclusion as of inclusion; it fortifies itself by casting others out.
There is a famous Bedouin adage, which I first came across in Iraq: “I am against my brother, my brother and I are against my cousin, my cousin and I are against the stranger.” In this remorselessly reductive manner, through the accentuation of differences (as opposed to the assertion of commonalities), one group is pitted against another in perpetuity. In my case, I had power over Sergeant Banotai because I was an officer. In his case, he exercised power over me for a time because he was already a combat veteran. Again, identity is hierarchy, a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
Eventually we returned from Iraq. Sergeant Banotai left the Marine Corps, shedding that identity, and we shed the attendant hierarchy, the system of rank that had once existed between us. A few years later, when he invited me to serve as a groomsman in his wedding, I was still on active duty. He invited me to wear my uniform to the wedding, if I wanted. I wore a suit instead. We were now simply friends, resurrected (to use King’s word) outside of identity and into individuality, where we remain to this day.
When he returned from Vietnam, the writer Karl Marlantes went to work at the Pentagon in an anonymous desk job. He had seen the worst of war as a Marine, earning two Purple Hearts in the process. Then, slowly, his actions in Vietnam caught up with him and he received several further commendations, to include the Navy Cross, our nation’s second highest award for valor. In his memoir, What It Is Like To Go To War, Marlantes writes about the experience of earning these medals: “With every ribbon that I added to my chest I could be more special than someone who didn’t have it. Even better, I quickly learned that most people who outranked me, who couldn’t top my rows of ribbons, didn’t feel right chewing me out for minor infractions. I pushed this to the limit.” Marlantes stopped cutting his hair. He grew a mustache that he describes as a “scraggly little thing that made me look like a cornfed Ho Chi Minh.” Eventually, a more senior officer who had also been to Vietnam but “had nowhere near my rows of medals” called Marlantes into his office. “I don’t give a fuck how many medals you’ve got on your chest,” he said. “You look like shit. You’re a fucking disgrace to your uniform and it’s a uniform I’m proud of. Now get out of here and clean up your goddamn act.”
Reflecting on the incident in his memoir, Marlantes writes, “I can’t remember the man’s name. If I could, I’d thank him personally. He called my shit.” It takes courage to call someone else’s “shit,” particularly when their externally verifiable identity trumps one’s own. We all know when someone is tossing about identitarian arguments in order to evade the substance of a matter, confidently issuing assertions that cannot stand on their own logic and so instead they hoist themselves up on who, in some framework, they are. Typically, these special pleadings are spoken with that tired preamble, “Speaking as a…” in which the speaker telegraphs their intention to silence dissent through an appeal to identity-based deference, as surely as if they are standing on a golf course shouting “Fore!” down the fairway. As on the golf course, the objective of the intervention is for everyone to get out of the way.
Rhetorically and psychologically, identity is often wielded as a weapon. Some identities cut sharper than others. I am descended from Ukrainian Jews on one side of my family and Scotch-Irish Texan wildcatters on the other. The world perceives me as a straight white man — a dull blade if I’m hoping to cut with identity. Except that there is one thing that corrects for my disadvantage in the identity sweepstakes and compensates for my dull archaic status: I am a combat veteran. Suddenly my blade is sharp! I am owed deference, and have the standing in the great American identity calculus to shut people up. Late in my military service, I came to understand how my identity accorded me such deference in certain situations, the ability to silence the dissent of those who might disagree with me when discussing, say, our wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Some might argue that this is appropriate, that I have earned it. I don’t think so. The authority of experience certainly counts for something, but should it count for everything? Should only those who have the authority of “lived experience” be entitled to raising their voice on certain issues — on race, on gender, or, as in my case, on the critical issues of war and peace? Is Oliver Stone’s Platoon acceptable because he is a Vietnam veteran, while Francis Ford Coppola’s Apocalypse Now is a work of “cultural appropriation” because he is not? Must one have been to war for one’s opinions about war to matter?
Consider an obvious example of the interplay between identity and art. The Catcher in the Rye is commonly regarded as a work of adolescent alienation, but I would argue that it is more properly understood as a war novel. J.D. Salinger was a veteran of the Second World War who landed at Utah Beach on D-Day and fought in the Battle of the Bulge and in the Hürtgen forest, and was among the troops that liberated the concentration camps — but generally he did not take on the war in his work, as if he knew that a limit existed as to what he could directly convey. Yet the voice of Holden Caulfield, for which the novel is renowned, is one whose provenance I recognized after returning from my own wars: it is the voice of the cynical veteran to whom everyone is “a phony,” the vet who wants to visit the ducks in Central Park, to recover to an innocence that will never return and perhaps never was. Take the novel’s last line: “Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.” Those are quintessentially the words of a veteran. And yet Salinger scrupulously, as a matter of authorial intention, chose to omit his experience from his work, engaging with it obliquely. Do the new protocols of identity require that we put it back in?
There is a philosophical problem here: how can you truly know what someone else’s experience is, or what access points he or she — or they, speaking of ever more recent complex identities — brings to a subject? I am not suggesting that identities are necessarily false, but they are certainly subjective, and we need to think more critically about the authority of subjectivity in our society. A good place to begin such critical self-examination would be to propose that there are no classes of people whom we should believe as such. We must show empathy, and make every effort never to begrudge it or hold it back, but after empathy we must inquire after truth, and evaluate the claims that are made on our conscience. Injury does not confer infallibility. Military veterans have sometimes misremembered the experience of battle, and sometimes even lied about it, and they are not immune, nobody is immune, from correction, from being called on “their shit.”
The appeal to identity as the dispositive consideration in any debate is anathema to an open liberal society. Yet here we are. I recall reading a column by David Brooks in 2015, when the tide was beginning to rise on identity. His column was framed as a personal letter of appeal to Ta-Nehisi Coates on the occasion of the publication of Coates’s Between the World and Me, a book that not only touches on the black experience in America but also on the American experience itself and the validity of our shared experiment in creating a multicultural democracy. It is a book about its author, but also about all of us. Brooks did not agree with some of Coates’ conclusions, and his disagreement rattled him. “Am I displaying my privilege if I disagree?” he plaintively wrote. “Is my job just to respect your experience and accept your conclusions? Does a white person have standing to respond?” Those timid sentences are a kind of epitaph for free and candid — and respectful and constructive — discussion.
Marlantes, when reflecting on his own standing as a decorated combat veteran, writes that “In the military I could exercise the power of being automatically respected because of the medals on my chest, not because I had done anything right at the moment to earn that respect. This is pretty nice. It’s also a psychological trap that can stop one’s growth and allow one to get away with just plain bad behavior.” This “psychological trap” is now the trap of our culture, in which identity confers authority; a culture that not only stifles the interest in the individual by reducing him and her to a representative and a spokesperson, but also further isolates those groups whose interests it purports to advance.
This has certainly been the case among veterans. Few groups in American life are more fetishized. We are elaborately thanked for our service, allowed to board planes in front of the elderly, and applauded at sporting events. Honoring us has become a secular eucharist. Yet when it comes to the devastating issues that disproportionately affect veterans — homelessness, suicide, political extremism — most people look away. Our insularity, our otherness, has done nothing to lift us up. In fact, it has hurt us. A citizen need only render their deference and then be on their way. Be wary of people who pay fulsome respect to your identity, because what they are actually paying respect to is identity’s twin: victimhood.
The first time someone called me a victim was at a moment when I was very publicly engaging with my identity as a combat veteran. In retrospect, this correlation between identity and victimhood seems obvious, but at the time it was not. A group interested in international relations had invited another Marine and me to give a presentation about Iraq, specifically our “on-the-ground perspective.” This was a little more than a year after I had returned from the war. On that day I wore my olive green “service alpha” uniform with its khaki shirt and tie, and before giving my talk I was generously feted around the room by my hosts. It was a distinguished group and, as we sipped soft drinks and nibbled hors d’oeuvres, I learned that certain of the people in the room held rather senior positions in government, or at least positions many levels above a lieutenant of Marines.
The presentation began and my co-panelist and I made remarks, showed photographs from our deployments, and did our best to describe the conditions under which the war was being waged. We answered questions from a moderator, the majority of which focused on the tactics of the war as opposed to its strategic utility. In short, we spoke only as junior officers with combat experience.
Then, when answering a follow-up question, my co-panelist made a comment about the Sunni tribes in al-Anbar province beginning to organize against al-Qaeda in Iraq. He regarded this as a positive development and contended that the United States needed to fully commit to this effort (which eventually become known as the Sunni Awakening) by “surging” even more troops into the country. He believed the war might soon turn a corner. Suddenly we were not talking tactics anymore. We were talking strategy, and he had veered outside the lane proscribed by his identity as a combat veteran. He was now speaking the language of policy among those who held senior policy positions. This was in 2006, a time when the war in Iraq was becoming extremely unpopular. When the moderator asked whether or not I agreed with my comrade, I said that I did.
The moderator then solicited the next question. Hands shot up. An older woman went first. She asked how either of us could possibly defend the idea of sending more American troops to Iraq. My co-panelist reiterated his arguments — that al-Qaeda had overplayed its hand, that Sunni fears of Shia dominance in the newly formed Iraqi government created an opportunity that could undermine the insurgency, that it was worth making an effort to salvage the blood and treasure America had already expended. Did counterarguments exist? Of course they did. Did this woman engage us on the basis of those counterarguments? She did not. Her disagreement took an entirely different direction. She explained that we supported a surge because the war had made us victims.
“I’m very sorry for what you’ve been through,” she said. “But you are victims of this war. Given your experience, I have a hard time believing you can see the situation in Iraq clearly. Emotionally, you’re too invested.” Having made this declaration, she did not sit down, but remained standing in expectation of an answer. Politely, I explained that I was in no way a victim, that I had volunteered to serve in our wars and had volunteered again (I would soon leave for Afghanistan), that my opinions were rooted in my experience and my understanding of it, and that she was free to disagree with my arguments on their merits — but not on some specious claim that I was a victim of the very experience she had come to hear me discuss, and therefore no longer able to think as an individual.
The woman refused to relinquish the microphone until making a final point. Although she appreciated hearing an “on the ground” assessment from a combat veteran and continued to offer the somewhat obsequious respect that my identity commanded, I did not have her permission to repudiate the description of myself as a victim. According to her, the very fact that I refused to view myself as a victim was all the more proof that I was one, that the wars had damaged me. I had been blinded by my time at war to the wrongness of supporting any position except the swift and immediate termination of these wars, regardless of the actual conditions. (Never mind that my support for a surge was itself based on my “on the ground perspective.”) The only position that I could properly derive from my experience was one that coincided with her own.
This incident has stayed with me not because it was unique — on later occasions I would again be called a victim — but because it was the first time that my relatively new identity as a combat veteran had served to disempower me. Another combat veteran, J.R.R. Tolkien, who fought in the First World War, provides an analogy. In his Lord of the Rings trilogy, Tolkien writes about the Rings of Power, particularly the One Ring which gives its wearer the ability to see and govern the thoughts of others; but it also slowly erodes the wearer’s vitality. In Tolkien’s trilogy, the humble hobbit Frodo, whom Tolkien modeled on the common British Tommy with whom he served in the trenches, is the only one who can bear the One Ring because of his pureness of heart; but even it calls to him and haunts him, robbing him of his strength and nearly spelling his demise.
Identity, even an identity confirmed by a chest full of ribbons, seduces in a similar way. It is a devil’s bargain — not a heaven in which one serves a nobler cause but a hell in which one reigns. When you wear identity, you can feel its power. But in the long run it takes more than it gives, leaving you bereft of your personal difference — a Gollum enslaved to its service.
To escape this system of doctrinaire social evaluation, we must each disarm. Is it possible to displace those who brandish identity as a cudgel from the center of our culture to its fringes? Now that would be revolutionary. This would involve us no longer deferring to a person’s identity but rather to their individuality, and recognizing that individuality consists in more than the simple accumulation of sub-identities, the sum total of all our group memberships. Veterans occupy an interesting niche in the politics of identity. As a group our struggles are as real as those faced by other groups. The history of civil rights in America is also the story of America’s veterans; and we, too, enjoy inclusion in legislation with special protections, much like those dispensed to racial minorities and other marginalized groups — including equal employment opportunity, access to housing and education, and protections from targeted crimes. The important difference is that we are not born veterans. It is an identity we come to later. We choose it.
When I was beginning my military career as a college midshipman, my enthusiasm to become a Marine was boundless. I wore my hair according to regulations (though I was not yet required to do so) and during vacations I found a way to volunteer for an internship gophering papers around the Pentagon. In certain ways I must have been insufferable. That is why, I suspect, a recently retired Navy SEAL Commander, who worked a few cubicles down from mine as a civilian, stopped by one morning. He stood well over six feet tall, and had fought in Beirut, Panama, and Desert Storm, before being forced into early retirement due to a parachuting injury. In sum, he was an intimidating fellow who embodied much of what I hoped to become. Until that morning he had never taken much of an interest in me, and with just the two of us in the office, he had my full attention. “Can I give you some advice?” he said. “I’ve served with a lot of Marines. Some good, some bad. Do you know the difference between the good ones and the bad ones?” Sitting straight in my perfectly creased uniform, I didn’t have a clue. And so he told me: “The good ones never forgot who they were before they became Marines. Don’t you forget, either.”
I tried never to forget that advice, when I went to war but also when I came home. That is what I mean when I say that I’m turning in my card. I am not going to stop being a veteran, any more than someone from a specific racial, ethnic, or gender group will ever stop having the experiences that come with being a part of that group. But I will not allow this single element of my experience, this one personal attribute out of many, to eradicate the core of who I am. I will not play my veteran card in interactions with others, even if it’s a very good card to play. And I will not allow myself to forget who I was before I became a Marine, or any of the identities — there were many — into which I was born. If I ever do forget the true core of who I am, however elusive it sometimes is, the self or soul that lies beneath all ascriptions of identity, then please use another word to describe me: call me lost.